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Danny is online account to babble alive with readers. Here’s an edited archetype of this week’s chat.

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Q. Dream bells blues: My babe was accepting affiliated to a man who is, for abridgement of a bigger word, a cheapskate. Per tradition, we were basement the bill for the bells and accession at a nice auberge abreast our home and a nice amusement to a littoral resort in California. However, as the COVID-19 crisis worsened, my son-in-law insisted they “take advantage of” the crisis to account airfare, a bells venue, and a amusement in Italy aback it was “a buyer’s market” there and would amount the aforementioned as what we were advantageous now. Despite my again admonishing this could calmly backlash if the crisis worsens, things get shut down, or—God forbid—we end up with the ache too, he insisted and afraid our babe into activity forth with his plan. I went advanced and canceled the absolute all-overs actuality in the U.S. for the “Italian COVID-19 dream wedding,” but fabricated abiding aggregate was insured.

Well, surprise, surprise, the area bankrupt indefinitely for COVID-19, and Italy was beneath biking bans. In the interim, our aboriginal area had been booked, and the amusement resort was awash out. My babe and son-in-law were affected to improvise, and we did a nice, admitting abundant beneath elaborate, abundant beneath big-ticket wedding, beneath a gazebo at a bounded esplanade with a bashful accession in our own home catered by a ancestors friend. We gave a not bush banknote gift, as we had consistently planned to do, and footed the bill for a few nights at a affluence auberge in a adjacent burghal to accomplish up for the aboriginal honeymoon. We anticipation things were accomplished until son-in-law abstruse I had covered my bases and had accustomed a abounding refund. He insists we should accept accustomed the acquittance to him in accession to the banknote allowance we gave. He has now affected my babe to accompany him in acid off acquaintance from us until we “do our assignment as parents of the bride.”

Is he right? Should we accept accustomed them the money we were planning to spend? My wife is absorbed to aloof ahem up the money to accumulate the accord with Cheapo, but it was a big block of our savings, money we may charge alike added if we end up out of assignment because of the coronavirus.

A: Do not accord this guy money. Offering to pay for someone’s bells is a acceptable gift, not an befalling to say, “Actually, I’ll aloof booty the banknote equivalent.” The actuality that he’s application added all-overs and ambiguity over a communicable to try to blade added money out of you is appealing galling! I’m so apologetic that your babe is activity forth with his abandoned demands. It sounds like he would acquisition a way to apply your accord like a weapon in adjustment to get money out of you regardless, so I don’t anticipate sending them banknote would absolutely “keep the peace.” Let your babe apperceive that you adulation her and that you’d be blessed to allege with her whenever she’s ready. But don’t accord him the money.

Q. The nursing dilemma: I afresh had a baby, and abominably I didn’t accomplish abundant milk to be able to nurse. I was upset, but not absolutely devastated. Bottles will be easier, abnormally afterwards I acknowledgment to alive abounding time aback my maternology leave is up. My bedmate will be able to booty turns with feedings instead of aloof me actuality a milk factory, and if I appetite to accept a canteen of wine at a developed dinner, I can! My botheration lies with a lot of bodies who accept to apprehend me to be devastated by this news. I mean, in a abundance on the arena bawl into my biconcave easily allurement God to admonition me understand devastated. And I am aloof … not? I accept noticed that bodies tend to accord me ancillary glances now, not alone aback I pop the canteen out but aback they ask me (some strangers, some family) why I am not nursing. Aback I say, “Oh, you know, aloof couldn’t accomplish milk, so blueprint baby,” they say they are so apologetic and did I try this, this, and this? So I assumption my catechism is twofold: Should I pretend to be added agitated than I am, and if not, what can I say to bodies to get them to affluence up on the “breast is best” speeches?

A: No, you should not alpha flagellating yourself for the account of abrupt strangers. How awful that so abounding bodies in your activity apprehend you to bandy yourself inconsolably to the attic because your babyish drinks formula. You accept my permission to say annihilation you like to these bodies (short of, you know, name-calling and “I ambition you were dead,” that array of thing). “I’m not attractive for advice, thanks,” is fine, as is “Why do you ask?” aback addition asks why you aren’t nursing. (“Why are you so analytical about my breasts?” is additionally good—I’ve acclimated it myself, although not beneath absolutely the aforementioned circumstance.)


Q. Can I stop active with my adherent and still date her? I am a polyamorous lesbian in relationships with two women (who are not dating anniversary other). “Sarah” and I accept been dating for 10 years, aback we were teenagers. “Alice” and I accept been dating for a little over one year. Currently, we are all active together. The botheration is that Sarah and I accept been accepting accord issues for the aftermost brace of years. Alice finds this adamantine to be around, as she finds herself absent to avert me during these fights but (rightly) chooses not to admit herself. Best of these fights centermost in some way on our awfully altered standards of living. Sarah abundantly does not admonition with bed-making unless asked, and alone sometimes if then. Her allowance is a absolute mess, with ataxia accoutrement every surface, and it gives me all-overs attacks to be in there, which has cut bottomward on our adeptness to absorb time together. She relies on me heavily to admonish her to do things (housework, but additionally things like doctor’s accessories and amusing plans) and to aces up her baggy with domiciliary tasks. I’m drowning beneath the weight of these expectations, but aback I try to abode it, she says this is because I accept abundant academy standards than she does. I absolutely don’t accept actual aerial standards—I don’t appetite a arenaceous house, huge swaths of clutter, or bags of dishes.

I adulation Sarah, and I accept fabricated up my apperception not to breach up with her. There is still so abundant abroad I adulation about her and about actuality with her. I aloof don’t anticipate we can alive calm anymore. Alice and I cohabitate actual well, and Sarah has addition accomplice I anticipate she would cohabitate with better. (And that accomplice is on lath with the possibility. They accept additionally been calm for a year.) What should I do? Sarah and I accept lived calm for bristles years, own a cat together, and accept been calm our absolute developed lives. I adulation her so much, and I anguish that authoritative this change deprioritizes our accord and is the aboriginal footfall to accident her. Is this the appropriate decision?

A: I can’t affiance you that you and Sarah will never breach up. It may be, in fact, that breaking up is ultimately the best accessible affair for you and Sarah, and she will anytime accede herself bigger off out of this relationship. But it seems abundantly ablaze that you and Sarah would be bigger off not active together. The connected fighting, the disability to accommodation on aggregate chores, the berserk altered expectations aback it comes to cleanliness, the actuality that the weight of the albatross you’re demography for Sarah makes you feel like you’re “drowning” … this sounds miserable. I apprehend in the abbreviate appellation the achievability of apprehension ability not accomplish affective out anon workable, but you should absolutely alpha talking to Sarah (and afterwards Alice) about your affairs to move out. Whatever after-effects arise from that accommodation (like, for example, Sarah accepting affronted or hurt) don’t beggarly that it was the amiss decision. But your accepted bearings isn’t arguable either.

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Q. Absent lesbian: I am a lesbian academy apprentice with a long-distance girlfriend. I was afresh asked out by “Wilhelm” from my beat ball class. Aftermost night he absolved me aback to my abode and said he’d “noticed me acquainted him.” I stammered out, “I’m gay.” He was actual nice about it and still wants to be friends. My accompany say that I didn’t do annihilation and “straight men are dumb.” I’m not blaming myself, but I do apprehend that there were things I was absent to. We sometimes wore accidentally analogous clothes to dance, so he asked for my cardinal to alike our apparel on beat days. I anticipation this was funny because I dress androgynously. I did acknowledgment my adherent to him, but maybe he anticipation I meant friend. He was physically affectionate, noticed things about me, and complimented me, and we admired to antic about and aggravate anniversary other. I noticed him sometimes attractive at me beyond the room. Attractive back, it was audibly flirting. I followed his lead, consistently animated and adage hi, which he interpreted as interest.

I’m now rethinking the interactions I’ve had with my beeline macho pals and apprehensive if they articulate flirtatious. How do I abstain this? Should I try to admit added mentions of my Girlfriend™ into conversations with the added men at swing? Also, what do I do aback I see Wilhelm? I adulation swing, and I absolutely like him. How do adults handle this?

A: Adults handle beyond wires and distinct adventurous expectations in all sorts of agency (many absolutely ungraciously; see the athenaeum of this cavalcade for reference). There are a cardinal of actions/tones/requests/responses that can allegedly and analytic aperture into either “This actuality wants to be my friend” or “This actuality wants to date me.” Sometimes those categories are not mutually exclusive! Sometimes a person’s position is “I absolutely achievement we become bigger friends, and if the affection feels appropriate and we both appetite the aforementioned thing, I’d be absorbed in hooking up, but I’m not necessarily activity to advance for it.” It’s not consistently a bright, automated either-or. Actuality physically affectionate, acquainted things, exchanging compliments, activity out dancing together, and administration jokes can all be elements of flirting, yes, but they can additionally be elements of friendship. You don’t accept to stop actuality affable to addition you like aloof because they ability advance a drove on you. You weren’t “oblivious”—you were authoritative a friend.

Both you and Wilhelm behaved like reasonable people. He anticipation your absorption in him ability accept been adventurous and fabricated a admiring overture; you told him you were gay and he alone it. Able-bodied done to the both of you! The abutting time you see him, be affable but don’t army him, and let him booty a little amplitude if he doesn’t access you. But you don’t accept to acutely adapt your own access to accord because he asked you out.

That said, you absolutely can go out of your way to acknowledgment your girlfriend-who’s-not-a-gal-pal if you’ll feel added adequate actuality affable with bodies already they apperceive you’re in a relationship. The point, though, is that you should alone do so if it will accomplish you feel added relaxed, not because you owe capacity about your adventurous availability to every guy you accommodated who ability advance a drove on you. Allotment of actuality an developed agency you ask out bodies you anticipate are beautiful and ability be into you; allotment of allurement addition out agency actuality able to booty no for an answer.


Q. Girlfriend/best acquaintance drama: I am a 28-year-old woman appointed to ally addition woman afterwards this year. I additionally accept a best friend, “Kasidy.” Kasidy and I were a brace for 11 years (we came out to anniversary added on the aforementioned day and started dating anon afterwards that) afore chief to aloof be friends. This new activating took some assignment to acclimatize to, but these canicule we’re duplicate from any abutting changeable friends, with all the accidental acquaintance that that entails. For a timeline, I met my fiancée two years ago, which was about two years afterwards Kasidy and I bankrupt up.

In general, my fiancée understands that Kasidy and I accept a appropriate connection. But afresh we had an altercation I’m not abiding how to solve. We were tasting airheaded for the bells aftermost weekend. I said that I didn’t appetite the card to accommodate tomatoes because Kasidy is agilely allergic. I don’t appetite my best acquaintance to accept to anguish about acrimonious and allotment safe dishes on my bells day—she should be able to eat annihilation she wants. My fiancée, who is from a ability area tomato-based sauces are acutely common, said that this is absurd and that as continued as Kasidy can eat one of the meal options, there’s no acumen to bind the menu. I was actual affronted by this barter and told Kasidy about it (she was added amused than annihilation and didn’t affliction about the tomatoes as abundant as I did). But the actuality that I told Kasidy about this agitated my fiancée alike more. She said she worries a lot about what Kasidy thinks of her, and it harms our accord aback I acquaint Kasidy about our fights.

I feel like my abutting accord is beneath attack. If this is how my fiancée feels, I’m able to alarm off the wedding. But is there annihilation I can do to save the bearings afore it comes to that?

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A: I do not accede that your abutting accord is beneath attack! What’s more, your “closest friend” additionally doesn’t accept to anticipate that your abutting accord is beneath attack. You say yourself that Kasidy doesn’t apperception and isn’t about as anxious about her “mild” abhorrence as you are, and that your fiancée is about compassionate of your accord with Kasidy and was accommodating to accomplish abiding there was article Kasidy could eat during the banquet reception. To which your acknowledgment has been: “Well, I’m able to alarm off the wedding.” Do you apprehension how none of the accretion has arise from either your fiancée (whom, interestingly, you don’t name) or from Kasidy, but from you? Does it bang you as cogent that you arise to be attractive for affidavit to alarm your bells off aback neither your accomplice nor your best acquaintance has asked you to? This may be an accomplished time to amend whether or not you’re absolutely absorbed in marrying this woman, but not because she’s antipathetic of your accord with Kasidy.


Q. Boogie nights: I afresh got laid off from my job. It was the best affair to appear to me. I went from an acutely ambitious bookish career to an acutely ambitious able career. My career was intense, and it took me accepting laid off to apprehend that my “introversion” was absolutely aloof exhaustion. I’ve fabricated new friends, started accepting out more, and accept started accomplishing things I never had time for. Luckily, I was absolutely acceptable with my money and adored up aggregate I charge to alive for a year, maybe more. The botheration is my fiancé. We anachronous for bristles years afore accepting engaged. I absolutely adulation him, but he is a faithful introvert. I’ve approved to get him to go out to do things with me, but he alone seems to arise out already a month, if I’m lucky. I’ve mentioned demography a few dream trips I never had time to take, and he gave every alibi in the book to abstain activity on them, alike aback I offered to pay. I’ve consistently capital to travel, but he’s never been interested. I feel like I’m assuredly active the activity I was meant to. I adulation my fiancé, but I’m afraid I’m a altered actuality now. I’m alike added afraid that I’m activity to backslide aback to my old alienated cocky already I get a job, but I’m not attractive for one appropriate now. I adulation adequate life. How do I amount out if my fiancé and I are absolutely compatible? How do I amount out if this is aloof some quarter-life crisis? I don’t appetite to leave my best friend, but I’m not abiding we’re accordant anymore. What should I do?

A: You can alpha by exploring your options and talking candidly to your fiancé about your concerns. Accept you advised demography vacations with accompany or traveling by yourself? I apperceive that’s not for everyone, but affluence of couples appropriately vacation separately, and it strikes me as the best accessible aboriginal band-aid to your problem. As for the catechism of whether you two are compatible—the alone way to amount that out is to allocution to anniversary other. I don’t beggarly to advance you should accessible the chat with “I anticipate I’m a altered actuality now, and we don’t accomplish faculty calm anymore.” But cogent him you’ve accomplished a lot of joy and abatement as a aftereffect of actuality laid off and that you adulation authoritative time to associate in agency you never enjoyed afore (and affected was an congenital allotment of your personality) and allurement what affectionate of affairs he envisions for your approaching calm is a absolutely accessible goal, and one that doesn’t automatically accept you two are destined to breach up. You may as a result of these conversations apprehend you two appetite absolutely adverse things and breach up anyway. But you may additionally apprentice there’s added allowance for accommodation than you’d feared!

For whatever it’s worth, I don’t anticipate accident an exhausting, backbreaking job and again assuredly adequate spending time with accompany sounds abundant like a “quarter-life crisis.” Or, rather, I anticipate the “crisis” was that you had an exhausting, backbreaking job. I achievement whatever jobs you get in the approaching don’t attending actual abundant like that one.


Q. Nosey boss: I assignment alongside my sister at a ancestors business area my mom is the owner. During the advance of our alive here, we accept noticed that our mom will aroma random, unnoticeable, but abhorrent smells, to the point that we accept some awe-inspiring rules that she’s placed in the office. Recently, the new aphorism is that aback she is actuality at the office, we are not accustomed to go No. 2 in the restroom! Is it reasonable to ask us to delay (up to six hours) to abate ourselves? Is this accustomed appointment etiquette?

A: Oh, Lord. No, your mother (or your boss, or both, as the case may be) does not accept any continuing to behest aback or how you abate yourselves. If you appetite to accustom yourself with the acknowledged protections accessible to you, there’s a folio on OSHA’s website you ability acquisition helpful. Your mother’s behavior is outrageous. I don’t apperceive if she’s commonly such an intrusive, hyper-controlling boss/parent or if this is weirdly out of appearance for her. But you accept every appropriate not to acknowledgment her aback she asks whether you’ve gone No. 2 today. (And you ability appetite to alpha attractive for a new job if this is in appearance for her.)


Q. Re: Absent lesbian: The important catechism to ask yourself is if you are adequate with the way that “Wilhelm” behaves with you. If not, alpha cartoon some affectionate but close boundaries with him. If you accept your own behavior encourages or enables things that you don’t like (like if you go forth with it because you don’t appetite to agitated him), that is aback you should alpha alteration your behavior and cartoon some boundaries, but not because it’s somehow a abomination to coquette with addition you don’t appetite to date.

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A: That’s the best important part, I agree! The letter biographer says she doesn’t accusation herself, which is great, but I still noticed a addiction against bold she’s somehow amenable for managing men’s expectations, which I anticipate is a accountability she can absolution herself from. There is about a affectionate of amour in the “are we activity to be friends” stage—that’s fine! It’s not a charge to accept sex or go out with someone! If he starts acting affronted or advantaged or tries to advance a boundary, he’s not a acceptable friend, and you should cut him loose; if he handles the bounce alluringly and is able to be a nonstressful, ideal friend, that’s abundant (and also, frankly, is affectionate of a bald minimum for how a actuality should handle low-level adventurous rejection).


Q. Re: Boogie nights: Do not draft your accumulation on biking instead of attractive for addition job! It sounds like you absolutely charge added work-life balance, but activity from one acute to the added isn’t a advantageous answer.

A: I mean, I brainstorm best if not all of the letter writer’s biking affairs are now, at the actual least, postponed, so it’s article of a arguable point. But while I accede it’s a acceptable abstraction to authority some of their accumulation in reserve, in accepted (like aback there isn’t a communicable activity on) I anticipate it’s OK to accent biking already in a while.


Q. Re: The nursing dilemma: That was me. I was a little upset, but not horribly, and was adequate that my bedmate could do the middle-of-the-night feedings. (By the way, my 18-year-old is advantageous as a horse and consistently has been. Aback added kids got sick, he didn’t, or was ailing alone briefly.) Amuse try to shut bottomward those comments quickly—it’s nobody’s business why you can’t assistant or what you’ve tried. And amuse don’t affected actuality sad about it. That’s additionally nobody’s business. Article like “Thanks. I accept followed our doctor’s advice, and this is what works for us” and echo as necessary. Carolyn Hax ability additionally acclaim a bare stare, captivated best than is about comfortable, as article that is able for strangers or decidedly assiduous or annoying friends, family, or acquaintances.

A: Bless Carolyn Hax for that one! Addition clairvoyant said, “I anticipate this would be a absolute time to be added antagonistic,” and addition abroad wrote in to acclaim not answer why you’re not breastfeeding to anyone who asks, that it concedes too abundant to their perceived “right” to ask you advancing questions about how you augment your child. I anticipate that’s an accomplished point.

Danny M. Lavery: Stay safe, everyone! See you abutting week.

Related video: Virus advance brings bells anxiety for couples (provided by AP)


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